I think I am learning more than my students

It has unfortunately been a long time since I took the time to sit and write an update, and I can tell already that it is long overdue. But hopefully you will still find my stories interesting and enlightening.

Just by my extended lapse in updates, I can tell that I am working entirely too much. What is one hour a week to keep in touch with family and friends back home who have followed my adventures and still support me in my challenges? I should be able to spare that much time for maintaining my line of communication. But I had somehow decided that even an hour was too much time to spend on a non-teaching activity. This past week I had to start logging my Teach for America hours in order to receive my Americorps stipend. By the end of each year, I need to log 1700 hours, which comes out to about 33 hours a week, 52 weeks a year. But at my more recent pace of 60-80 hours a week, I won't even need to finish the school year in order to make that requirement.

And THAT is what convinced me that something needs to change. I have always been a little intense in my committment towards my pursuits, but I think last year I managed to strike a very worthwhile balance between work and everything else. I remember that it did not always feel like a legitimate balance, but I can see now that it was far better than what I have conjured here in Mississippi. And it is starting to get me very discouraged; no matter how hard I push myself everyday, it has never felt like enough. I go into a classroom that is not yet organized to my level of comfort, and I teach lessons that I feel could be better prepared. I am the last to leave the school, and usually the first to arrive. I do not really have friends aside from my associations with my co-workers and housemates, and I certainly do not take the time for social outings. It's quite pathetic, really, especially when considered in relation to my awesome senior year at AU. I understand now how great I had it, no matter how stressed or over-worked I felt.

But I also know that my efforts have been for a good purpose, and I comprehend now how much of a detriment I was creating by working TOO hard. I had to turn in all my grades for the first 9 weeks before I left on Friday, which meant that I had to do my week of grading before the weekend. My normal routine has been to grade all day Saturday and then spend Sunday getting ready for the week. Since I wiped out all my Saturday work ahead of time, I have truly enjoyed a weekend of more "me time" than I have ever allowed myself since I became a teacher. It was quite rejuvenating, and this is probably the first weekend I have felt happy since moving here. And to make a great thing even better, my sister Rita will be here on Tuesday for her fall break, I am taking two days off this week, and I am going to have a great time doing lots of familiar, sister-bonding activities.

Some highlights of the past few weeks: I observed a fellow third grade teacher at another school, who put me to shame with her classroom management. But given time to think over my experience there, I feel like I contribute more heart than this teacher did, and it perhaps shows in my students' opinion of me and of school in general. I believe that has to count for something.

When the educational theatre of Beauty and the Beast came into town, I went on my first field trip with my students, which was an outing that initially terrified me. I was dreading the moment that my kids would display their hellion selves in a very public place, and was anticipating the struggle to keep them all in line. My students, however, absolutely shocked me with their perfect behavior, and even out-performed all the other third graders in the district, INCLUDING the teacher I had observed just the week before. It was a glorious moment, though unfortunately short-lived. And the educational theatre of Beauty and the Beast is horrendous. Spare yourselves the pain of ever seeing it.

The same day as the field trip, my students and I got locked in my classroom as my defunct door finally progressed from merely sticking to full-fledged jamming. My students were looking forward to the moment when I would say it was ok to escape via the window, but much to their disappointment, I kept on teaching until the custodians and the P.E. teacher managed to break down the door (after I removed the pins to the door hinges). The district's head maintenance guy was called in to fix the door, which got stuck again after he tried to place the same door and door handle back in the frame. I now have a brand new, shiny door knob that my students swear is made of gold. Ironically, the new door is also defunct, except this time it never shuts...

I have twice witnessed what I consider to be abuse towards two of my students, one at the hands of an irate mother and the second from an aunt/teacher assistant at our school. The mother and daughter incident left me devastated for quite a while, and I am really only just now talking about it. This child had been a huge pain, so calling her mother was justified. But the way she handled the situation was scary to me, as a full-grown woman. No child should ever have to cower in anticipation of blows or shake with fear, but this one did. And in the case of the aunt, her nephew is a huge kid, a bully, and a persistent thief in my classroom. He shows no respect for me or for the school. I do not feel the same horror at his abuse, which is a fact that terrifies me even more. But in any case, I really do hope that no similar incident ever happens again.

I am very disappointed in how poorly my students did on my 9 weeks assessment. I realize now that I was pretty challenging in my questions, but I was also surprised at the fundamental questions my students missed, with vowel sounds for example. I need to bring up my low students very quickly, and I need to keep challenging my high students. But I am struggling with the gap that exists between the groups. There are just too many students in my class! I cannot imagine how I can possibly give 54 students the education they deserve. But I also know there is nothing that I can do to change the situation, so I try not to dwell on it to much.

What I do spend time contemplating is HOW to motivate my students. My kids are only in third grade, and yet they are already apathetic towards learning. All of the parents, teachers, and even the principal consistently lecture the students on the importance of education for these kids' future. Not many of the parents I meet have a college education, but they seem to recognize its value. BUT the value seems somewhat disconnected from the students' daily experience. I cannot yet articulate what the root of the problem is, but I know it has something to do with this community, living in this part of the South.

I am still trying to fully comprehend the underlying culture I have experienced here, so I am not yet prepared to give my opinion. But the mixture is interesting and complex and a good diversion from my school worries. Classic people studies are always worthwhile to my academic side....